that's how long it's been since i have even looked at this blog. that's how long it's been for a lot of insane, tragic and amazing things to happen to me. that's how long it's been for me to talk myself into believing everything is going to be alright. that's how long it has taken me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. and lastly...that's how long it's taken me to realize that this little bloggy of mine is really the perfect therapy.
so here i am...back with a vengeance and ready to spill my guts! (yet again!)
hmm... where to start?
well i guess i'll start with losing my job.
yep that's right. i lost my job last fall. how you ask? well it's a bit of a long story but let's just say deep down i knew better than to take the job. but as you know... i live by the strict motto: leap and the net will appear. and boy did i leap. i leaped so far...that i literally passed the net, all common sense, all reason and fell into a deep dark hole. the kind of hole that even your closest friends and family can't pull you out of . the kind of hole that swallows you whole and blinds you to all reality. that hole is called DENIAL. oh denial! how i loathe you. you know when you find a job that you think is just calling on your heart and soul and it's all you can think about? this opportunity was exactly that. or so i thought.
anyone else ever been here?
so yea...i was unemployed for 4 months. this was completely new territory for me. you hear about people losing their jobs all the time. you just never think it's going to happen to you. i'm no different i know but man does it suck. you find out real fast how strong you are. you find out who your real friends are. you find out what true boredom and loneliness feels like. you find out that God doesn't mess around when he's trying to teach you a lesson. (GOT IT GOD. YOU PROVED YOUR POINT) it's amazing how quickly you start to sink in and find out what you are made of. there are these moments when you are sitting alone in your apartment; you start to let your thoughts go negative. the kind of thoughts that make you think this will never get better. how did this happen to me? i'm a good person right? those questions. it was in these moments that i now realize i had a lesson to learn. the good ole' lesson of patience. you know what's crazy about patience...it's something you think you have and are great at. then BAM! not so great at it! not even the least bit. come to find out...i have no patience oh and i'm a blubbering baby. oh yea...the good tears. the kind of tears that make you pull out the ugly cry.
(we all have one. don't judge)
i heard this amazing quote the other day that just stuck with me and pretty much summed up my entire experience. "it doesn't matter how tough we are. trauma always leaves a scar. it follows us everywhere...it changes our lives. trauma messes everybody up but maybe just maybe that's the point. all the pain and the fear and the crap. maybe going through all this is what keeps us moving forward. it's what pushes us. maybe we have to get a little roughed up before we can step up. " -a.c
pretty profound huh?
after 30 years of living i now know it's not about the lesson; it's about the navigation. it's not about the feelings; it's what you do with the feelings. it's not about the end result; it's about the war wounds you obtain getting to the end.
Fast forward 7 months. insert the help of amazing friends, a new job i love and feeling stronger than i've ever been... i'm here feeling like i'm going to be alright.
when you're in it you can't imagine seeing the light.
i've think i've officially found the light.