TINDER TRAPPED

online dating. 

i know i know i know. 

i'm clearly a masochist. 

why o why do i do this to myself? oh i know why…i actually listen to my friends sometimes. (clearly i need to reevaluate these peeps. ha.) wait. can i consider tinder online dating? i mean it's just a phone app. hmm. that doesn't make it sound so bad right? 

okay so i'm getting ahead of myself. for those of you who don't know…tinder is a relatively new dating site that is literally only available on smartphones. defined by wikipedia..Tinder is a matchmaking app that facilitates communication between nearby users. It is used for dating as well as other kinds of networking. and for some…that "other kinds" part of the definition is taken literally. if you know what i mean. (i won't go into detail since the mom unit is reading. hi mom.) so i was kindly/forcefully introduced to this app by a friend of mine who's daughter met her current boyfriend through it. it took about 2 months of constant " have you signed up for tinder yet? what have you got to lose?" before i would jump on this highly addictive train. oh and what do i have to lose you ask? well in the beginning i would have said…my dignity, my pride and my overall self worth. ha. clearly those things have gone to the wayside. bring on the swiping. 

how it works. 

so after you download the app you quickly realize it's a facebook trap. yep! you can't have tinder without a facebook account. now some of you may know this but for those of you who don't… i'm not a facebook fan. i had it back in college and once i entered the real world it got a little over the top for me. I DO NOT CARE TO READ TIMELINE UPDATES THAT YOU MADE CHICKEN. ATE THE CHICKEN. PHOTOBOMED THE CHICKEN. AND CLEANED UP THE CHICKEN. anywho, i digress. fast forward to my friend having to literally set up a facebook account for me and teach me how to use it again. yes you read that right. i literally set up a fb account to meet guys. (i'm fully aware of how sad and pathetic that sounds. no need to comment about it.) after a quick fb 101 and 5 uploaded photos later... i was set up and the insanity began. 

now unlike other dating sites i've tried; there is no long drawn out bio section or personality assessment. you literally swipe to the right if you fancy the persons face/body/hair/random life or drinking quotes and to the left if you don't. yep. it's that simple and that shallow. after a few swipes you start matching with people. these matches occur only if both people have swiped to the right. and this is where i have to say…tinder is quite phenomenal. 

so you know how on other dating sites there is this long drawn out back and forth of whether this person likes you or just looked at your profile and didn't say anything. which in turn makes you fully aware that said person thought you were either hideous, poor or uneducated based on your profile stats. well tinder makes it quick and dirty. if someone doesn't like you…

YOU NEVER FREAKING KNOW. HELLO SELF-ESTEEM BOOSTER. 

 if they do like you (or i guess your face) IT'S A MATCH! 

please notice the time…insomnia =tinder swiping
oh and i'll let you keep wondering which one is walter ;)

as you can see…once you have matched with someone you have the option to send a message to your new "friend" or you can "keep playing." i have to admit i've only ever reached out first when wine was involved. hello liquid courage. whoops. 

now i've officially been on tinder for 5 months and been on roughly 12-15 dates! (pause for gasp.) 

and i'm still single. 

yep. that's right. i have not found "mr. right swipe" yet. what i have found is…guys who

-think showing me their biceps in a selfie is a must

-bluntly ask me if i "do" or date white guys….(hello clearly i'm a fan of all races….we were just matched which means i swiped you right fool!)

-have pictures of themselves with a celebrity as if that celebrity is going to be hanging with us on our date or on a daily basis. just because you ran into guillana rancic at her restaurant doesn't mean you are friends.

-start conversations off with "yo girl. what up?" STOP. 

- immediately tell me "i'm new to this online dating thing." aren't we all dude? you don't have to disclaimer anything to me. i'm clearly here too. 

- flat out ask me if i'm here for dating or mating? i mean legit question but can we at least discuss the weather, sports, hometowns and what we like about chicago first?

-say "happy hump day" and then add a wink face. ABSOLUTELY NOT! 

-only have group photos as if they are trying to fool you with trickery and deceit. UMM HELLO I KNOW WHICH ONE YOU ARE. THE ONE WHO KEEPS MAKING A DUCK FACE IN EVERY SHOT. JUST OWN IT. 

last but not least...

- actually use professional head shots as their profile pic. are you kidding me with this mess. i'm not a model agency.

people people people. why o why?

what is a girl to do? will i ever learn?