Wednesday, February 18, 2015


i've been staring at a blank screen for 5 months. that's how long it's taken me to even think about, write about, or even really talk about...what i've been feeling and going through these last few months. 5 months of me just staring at the screen being terrified of pulling back these layers of sadness and grief. 5 months of trying to get a hold of my emotions, get out of bed, be present and navigate this new life of mine. 5 months of feeling so disoriented and lost. 5 months of completely giving up on my faith and questioning if it was ever real. 5 months of looking back on my life and dissecting every single moment of it. 5 months of playing that day in my head over and over again and asking why. why me? why not me? If not me...who?

september 12th, 2014 my mom passed away.

just sitting here staring at that sentence brings tears to my eyes. she's gone. my mom... the most important person in my entire life. the woman who gave me life. the woman who raised me to be respectful, that anger takes more energy than forgiveness, that you should never leave your house without makeup...(you never know who you might meet). the woman who told me every single day that she loved me and that she was so proud of me and the life i built. it's amazing seeing it typed out like that. just that quickly 60 beautiful years came to an end. i went from planning a cruise with my mom to planning her funeral all in one day. literally. it's unbelievable how quickly death can consume the living. how one day you are just living life and feeling so blessed by all the things you have to feeling like everything you ever believed in was a lie. how could a God you believe in take something so important away from you... knowing it would cripple you in so many ways. knowing that you might never forgive. knowing that the very person your mom helped mold and shape could be lost forever. 

i've spent months just going over and over it in my head. how that morning my mom and i were finalizing our cruise details to the hospital calling me and  telling me my mom had collapsed. how just 1 hr before our travel agent was telling me how amazing and cool she thought my mom was...after only talking to her for 15 minutes. how in just 15 mins a stranger could tell how amazing and special my mom was. how i had just hung up with her after i told her i was at work and couldn't talk and she said " girl you better go into the bathroom or something and talk to me. we have details to finalize." and just as i had so many times before...i went and talked to my mom while hiding in my work bathroom. Who would have known my last conversation with my mom would be in the bathroom. That sums up our relationship pretty well. That's who we were.

when i was younger i always wondered why people would say "loss" when someone died.  i mean when you lose something there is always a chance of it being found. but now i get it. they are talking about the loss you feel within yourself.'s a loss alright. this feels more than a loss...this feels like a tragedy and a constant dagger just hanging out in my heart. death is such a surreal thing. i mean i have never planned an actual funeral. no one ever really talks about it. one minute you are finding out that your loved one has pasted away and the next you are expected to pick out what the person should wear and what kind of casket they would want. this isn't something people are prepared for. i mean there should be a class in high school that prepares you for a reality like this. another part no one prepares you for is the anger. i know people talk about the stages of grief but they don't really really talk about how long you can stay in those stages. it's like being pushed off a cliff...landing without a scratch but missing where and how you were when you were up on the cliff. if that makes any sense at all.

there is this amazing poem by Linda Ellis called THE DASH. I've loved this poem ever since i was a kid and my mom read it to me after her favorite aunt died. She would tell me...remember to make your dash worth something. Go out there and be amazing. My mom was always really motivational like that. Not really sure where she got this quality from but it has been so amazing for me in my life. my mom had an amazing dash if i don't say so myself. she had the most wonderful personality. she never knew a stranger and would let you have the clothes off her back if you needed them. i am so proud that i got to spend almost 31 years with this phenomenal woman i get to call my mama. she was and always will be my best friend. i am so happy to say i was brought into this world by someone so special.  
I will miss your smile. I will miss your ability to just hear my voice and know if something was wrong. I will long for our hour phone conversations about absolutely nothing but filled with absolutely everything. I will miss hearing you tell me a story that I'm 100% sure only I would understand. I will miss how you could give me just one look and I would know exactly what you were thinking. I will miss the fact that no matter how hard they friends would never know exactly what you were saying. I will miss that Mississippi slang. I will miss the made up nicknames you gave me that made no sense and had no story behind them but you loved. I will miss the unspoken prayers you always sent my way. Even if I wasn't praying I always knew you were praying enough for both of us. I will so miss your hugs. The kind of hug that just makes the world fill alright. I will miss the love we shared for all things fashion. Even if you had no idea how to pronounce a single designers name. I will miss you calling me at all times of the night and sending me pictures to see what i thought about vacation outfits. Lastly...I will miss the love. The kind of love only a mother can give. The kind of love that just makes every single day something to live for...knowing that you would be there always to have my back no matter what. 
I love you mom and will miss you to the end of my days. 
-Love Tounk


doesn't matter how tough we are
trauma always leaves a scar
it follows us home
it changes our lives
trauma messes everybody up
but maybe that's the point
all the pain and the fear
and the crap
maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward
it's what pushes us
maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up 

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