TINDER TRAPPED

online dating. 

i know i know i know. 

i'm clearly a masochist. 

why o why do i do this to myself? oh i know why…i actually listen to my friends sometimes. (clearly i need to reevaluate these peeps. ha.) wait. can i consider tinder online dating? i mean it's just a phone app. hmm. that doesn't make it sound so bad right? 

okay so i'm getting ahead of myself. for those of you who don't know…tinder is a relatively new dating site that is literally only available on smartphones. defined by wikipedia..Tinder is a matchmaking app that facilitates communication between nearby users. It is used for dating as well as other kinds of networking. and for some…that "other kinds" part of the definition is taken literally. if you know what i mean. (i won't go into detail since the mom unit is reading. hi mom.) so i was kindly/forcefully introduced to this app by a friend of mine who's daughter met her current boyfriend through it. it took about 2 months of constant " have you signed up for tinder yet? what have you got to lose?" before i would jump on this highly addictive train. oh and what do i have to lose you ask? well in the beginning i would have said…my dignity, my pride and my overall self worth. ha. clearly those things have gone to the wayside. bring on the swiping. 

how it works. 

so after you download the app you quickly realize it's a facebook trap. yep! you can't have tinder without a facebook account. now some of you may know this but for those of you who don't… i'm not a facebook fan. i had it back in college and once i entered the real world it got a little over the top for me. I DO NOT CARE TO READ TIMELINE UPDATES THAT YOU MADE CHICKEN. ATE THE CHICKEN. PHOTOBOMED THE CHICKEN. AND CLEANED UP THE CHICKEN. anywho, i digress. fast forward to my friend having to literally set up a facebook account for me and teach me how to use it again. yes you read that right. i literally set up a fb account to meet guys. (i'm fully aware of how sad and pathetic that sounds. no need to comment about it.) after a quick fb 101 and 5 uploaded photos later... i was set up and the insanity began. 

now unlike other dating sites i've tried; there is no long drawn out bio section or personality assessment. you literally swipe to the right if you fancy the persons face/body/hair/random life or drinking quotes and to the left if you don't. yep. it's that simple and that shallow. after a few swipes you start matching with people. these matches occur only if both people have swiped to the right. and this is where i have to say…tinder is quite phenomenal. 

so you know how on other dating sites there is this long drawn out back and forth of whether this person likes you or just looked at your profile and didn't say anything. which in turn makes you fully aware that said person thought you were either hideous, poor or uneducated based on your profile stats. well tinder makes it quick and dirty. if someone doesn't like you…

YOU NEVER FREAKING KNOW. HELLO SELF-ESTEEM BOOSTER. 

 if they do like you (or i guess your face) IT'S A MATCH! 

please notice the time…insomnia =tinder swiping
oh and i'll let you keep wondering which one is walter ;)

as you can see…once you have matched with someone you have the option to send a message to your new "friend" or you can "keep playing." i have to admit i've only ever reached out first when wine was involved. hello liquid courage. whoops. 

now i've officially been on tinder for 5 months and been on roughly 12-15 dates! (pause for gasp.) 

and i'm still single. 

yep. that's right. i have not found "mr. right swipe" yet. what i have found is…guys who

-think showing me their biceps in a selfie is a must

-bluntly ask me if i "do" or date white guys….(hello clearly i'm a fan of all races….we were just matched which means i swiped you right fool!)

-have pictures of themselves with a celebrity as if that celebrity is going to be hanging with us on our date or on a daily basis. just because you ran into guillana rancic at her restaurant doesn't mean you are friends.

-start conversations off with "yo girl. what up?" STOP. 

- immediately tell me "i'm new to this online dating thing." aren't we all dude? you don't have to disclaimer anything to me. i'm clearly here too. 

- flat out ask me if i'm here for dating or mating? i mean legit question but can we at least discuss the weather, sports, hometowns and what we like about chicago first?

-say "happy hump day" and then add a wink face. ABSOLUTELY NOT! 

-only have group photos as if they are trying to fool you with trickery and deceit. UMM HELLO I KNOW WHICH ONE YOU ARE. THE ONE WHO KEEPS MAKING A DUCK FACE IN EVERY SHOT. JUST OWN IT. 

last but not least...

- actually use professional head shots as their profile pic. are you kidding me with this mess. i'm not a model agency.

people people people. why o why?

what is a girl to do? will i ever learn? 

THIRTY

so it's official. i'm 30. 

i guess it's time to reflect? 

(which we all know just means me ranting for a few lines. hang in there)

now i'm sure most of you are expecting a doom and gloom post. well i'm sorry to disappoint but i may be the only woman on the planet who is over the moon excited about turning 30. twenty schmwenty! 

i recently just read a quote by olivia wilde that sums up how i feel pretty much to the word. "You're 30: You know stuff now. Your 20s were for 'ducking up,' as my auto-correct would say, and learning from those mistakes. (For instance, never again will I convince myself that sleep is for sissies and go straight from a party to the airport. You will not 'sleep on the plane'; you'll vomit in the security line. Go to bed.)"

tell em' olivia!

what is it about this number that freaks everyone out? i mean i have actually lied about my age. and i'm not talking the typical i'm 21 when i'm not lie. i'm talking about meeting someone who was older than me and actually being embarrassed that i was in my 20's. i'm not sure if anyone else feels this way but it's like the moment you tell someone you are in your 20's they start looking for someone else in the room to talk to. cause you clearly haven't "lived" enough to know anything. am i right or am i right? since i was a kid i have always felt drawn to older friends. i blame my mom. i mean when most kids were eating paste i was sitting in on tupperware parties and singles groups. while they gabbed... i read, crocheted, colored and listened in. silently promising myself i would never do those things. ha! decades later and the view hasn't changed very much. insert knitting for crochet and wine for coloring... no more sitting at the kiddie table for me…i'm 30! let me in! let me in! some of my best friends in the world are woman who could quite literally be my mom.  there's just something about talking to someone who has been through way more than you in the sense of years but can keep it real without mothering you. (you know who you are! xoxo)  

i'm not quite sure what or why it is... but turning 30 just gives me hope. the kind of hope that makes nothing feel impossible. here's my theory…(feel free to ignore. i'm ranting remember!) it's like i was handed a map and a pair of blinders when i turned 18 and was told "now have at it". naturally i tossed that map right out the window and did my own thing. on december 26th of 2013 i got that map back. but this time i threw the blinders out the window and can perfectly see my path and can't wait to navigate. (wow that was deep right?)

i feel like i'm really coming into that time in my life of knowing who i am and what i want. (it's the new year…just go with me. i'm feeling all optimistic and gooey with hope.) the last ten years have been such a roller coaster and i feel like i'm finally coming down from the bumpy ride looking back and thinking…

"man. look how far i've come!" 

as far as i'm concerned 30 can bring it! 

We got this! What up! 

and now for a little thanks…

these last two weeks of birthday celebrations have made me feel so loved by the amazing humans in my life. have you ever had that moment when you are sitting with a group of people you love…look around and you realize that no matter how good or bad things are…you are still truly blessed to have them in your life? well i have had quite a few of those moments over these last couple of weeks and feel like one lucky girl. who would have thought that i would be entering my thirties with some of the best friends i have ever had. i mean come one…isn't it a proven fact that you lose "friends" as you get older...just due to the turbulence that is everyday life? well i clearly have been blessed by the friend angels and blew that theory out of the water.  

oh and here's a bit of a photo dump…                                                        

what my definition of love looked like in 2013

 

GLADIATORS IN SUITS

yep. you are seeing correctly. i am writing an entire post dedicated to my obsession that is scandal. why you ask? well why not? i mean if you don't watch this show you won't read this and if you do…well you are nodding your head right now in agreement with me that it's so worth writing about. am i right or am i right?   

so i have to admit i came to the party that is scandal a little late. i've been on a bit of a new show boycott because these crazy tv networks get you hooked on a show and then BAM! cancelled. i.e: smash, lipstick jungle, cashmere mafia, off the map, the new normal…i could go on forever. so naturally when the previews for scandal started popping up during grey's anatomy and all things abc…i ignored them aggressively. well it wasn't long before one friend, then two friends, then three friends started telling me about this amazing new show. pish posh! I wasn't getting my tv heart broken again. i just don't think it could have handled it. 

boy o boy was i wrong. 

after about the sixth or seventh friend telling me i need to stop being such a stubborn mule i decided to buckle down and queue it up on netflix. 

let the madness begin. 

48 hours and 29 episodes later i was officially drinking and swimming around in the gladiator water and walking around saying things like, "it's handled" and "i'm listening to my gut." what is it about this show that just pulls you in and the next thing you know you are freaking rooting for a married man and his mistress to live happily ever after? or you find yourself falling head or heels in crush with a top secret killing super spy? dang you shonda rhimes. I'M RUINED! (ha. fitz said that to olivia once) And don't even get me started on the amazing wardrobe that is Olivia Pope. i mean…how is it even possible that a girl can drink so much red wine risk wearing white all the time? Oh right…it's a TV show tanyel. i mean this show is crazy good. I can't say it enough. 

every thursday i literally count down the hours till i get to spend an hour with olitz oh and did i mention the married man is the president of the united states? i mean come on. if that doesn't say watch me i don't know what does. 

13hrs and counting...