THE END OF A DASH

i've been staring at a blank screen for 5 months. that's how long it's taken me to even think about, write about, or even really talk about...what i've been feeling and going through these last few months. 5 months of me just staring at the screen being terrified of pulling back these layers of sadness and grief. 5 months of trying to get a hold of my emotions, get out of bed, be present and navigate this new life of mine. 5 months of feeling so disoriented and lost. 5 months of completely giving up on my faith and questioning if it was ever real. 5 months of looking back on my life and dissecting every single moment of it. 5 months of playing that day in my head over and over again and asking why. why me? why not me? If not me...who?

september 12th, 2014 my mom passed away.

 

just sitting here staring at that sentence brings tears to my eyes. she's gone. my mom... the most important person in my entire life. the woman who gave me life. the woman who raised me to be respectful, that anger takes more energy than forgiveness, that you should never leave your house without makeup...(you never know who you might meet). the woman who told me every single day that she loved me and that she was so proud of me and the life i built. it's amazing seeing it typed out like that. just that quickly 60 beautiful years came to an end. i went from planning a cruise with my mom to planning her funeral all in one day. literally. it's unbelievable how quickly death can consume the living. how one day you are just living life and feeling so blessed by all the things you have to feeling like everything you ever believed in was a lie. how could a God you believe in take something so important away from you... knowing it would cripple you in so many ways. knowing that you might never forgive. knowing that the very person your mom helped mold and shape could be lost forever. 

i've spent months just going over and over it in my head. how that morning my mom and i were finalizing our cruise details to the hospital calling me and  telling me my mom had collapsed. how just 1 hr before our travel agent was telling me how amazing and cool she thought my mom was...after only talking to her for 15 minutes. how in just 15 mins a stranger could tell how amazing and special my mom was. how i had just hung up with her after i told her i was at work and couldn't talk and she said " girl you better go into the bathroom or something and talk to me. we have details to finalize." and just as i had so many times before...i went and talked to my mom while hiding in my work bathroom. Who would have known my last conversation with my mom would be in the bathroom. That sums up our relationship pretty well. That's who we were.

when i was younger i always wondered why people would say "loss" when someone died.  i mean when you lose something there is always a chance of it being found. but now i get it. they are talking about the loss you feel within yourself. yep...it's a loss alright. this feels more than a loss...this feels like a tragedy and a constant dagger just hanging out in my heart. death is such a surreal thing. i mean i have never planned an actual funeral. no one ever really talks about it. one minute you are finding out that your loved one has pasted away and the next you are expected to pick out what the person should wear and what kind of casket they would want. this isn't something people are prepared for. i mean there should be a class in high school that prepares you for a reality like this. another part no one prepares you for is the anger. i know people talk about the stages of grief but they don't really really talk about how long you can stay in those stages. it's like being pushed off a cliff...landing without a scratch but missing where and how you were when you were up on the cliff. if that makes any sense at all.

there is this amazing poem by Linda Ellis called THE DASH. I've loved this poem ever since i was a kid and my mom read it to me after her favorite aunt died. She would tell me...remember to make your dash worth something. Go out there and be amazing. My mom was always really motivational like that. Not really sure where she got this quality from but it has been so amazing for me in my life. my mom had an amazing dash if i don't say so myself. she had the most wonderful personality. she never knew a stranger and would let you have the clothes off her back if you needed them. i am so proud that i got to spend almost 31 years with this phenomenal woman i get to call my mama. she was and always will be my best friend. i am so happy to say i was brought into this world by someone so special.  

Mama,

I will miss your smile. I will miss your ability to just hear my voice and know if something was wrong. I will long for our hour phone conversations about absolutely nothing but filled with absolutely everything. I will miss hearing you tell me a story that I'm 100% sure only I would understand. I will miss how you could give me just one look and I would know exactly what you were thinking. I will miss the fact that no matter how hard they tried..my friends would never know exactly what you were saying. I will miss that Mississippi slang. I will miss the made up nicknames you gave me that made no sense and had no story behind them but you loved. I will miss the unspoken prayers you always sent my way. Even if I wasn't praying I always knew you were praying enough for both of us. I will so miss your hugs. The kind of hug that just makes the world fill alright. I will miss the love we shared for all things fashion. Even if you had no idea how to pronounce a single designers name. I will miss you calling me at all times of the night and sending me pictures to see what i thought about vacation outfits. Lastly...I will miss the love. The kind of love only a mother can give. The kind of love that just makes every single day something to live for...knowing that you would be there always to have my back no matter what. 

I love you mom and will miss you to the end of my days. 

-Love Tounk

 

doesn't matter how tough we are
trauma always leaves a scar
it follows us home
it changes our lives
trauma messes everybody up
but maybe that's the point
all the pain and the fear
and the crap
maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward
it's what pushes us
maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up 

-GA

My Spring Has Sprung

feel like a little chat? perfect…i'm feeling extra chatty today…so hold on to your hats. this may get a little wordy. sorry in advance

every morning i see these two at my bus stop and they say "hello gorgeous!"
no gonna lie…i'm totally okay with it! Gold Coast Gentlemen's Club. ;)

quite possibly the coolest store front i have ever seen. good job all saints

this fella had the most amazing voice…talk about undiscovered talent.
HELLO SIMON COWELL. 

this weekend was pretty amazeballs. the cool thing about it is that i didn't actually do anything that was over the top eventful. what made it so amazing was that i actually felt for the first time that spring is here. actually here. really here.

so here…that i actually wore a skirt on friday with no leggings.
my legs were out…free free tight free legs people!

outside my apartment are these amazing trees that when in full bloom make me think i'm an extra in "you've got mail" or "when harry met sally." well those trees my friend are starting to get tiny little bloom buds on them and this girl is super happy. this may sound crazy but i actually think spring in chicago may be one of the most magical things i have ever witnessed. (i'm pretty sure that everyone feels this way about the city they live in. so just entertain me for a minute and let me believe you agree 100% with me.) there is something about that first sighting of people sitting outside…eating…drinking and just being happy. just today…i was walking home and came up on these adorable little old ladies that were just sitting on a bench gossiping. they had their cute sunglasses on and were just chatting away…something about rhonda and how she's moving and they don't know why.  i don't know you but...WHERE ARE YOU GOING RHONDA!?

ahhh spring!!

another great thing about this kind of  weather is that i get to start my "exploring" walks again. LOVE. i'm having a lot of those "bridget jones's" moments when she's walking across the bridge after realizing she's got her groove back! yep. that's me people. the groove is grooving over here. with those walks…comes the perfect opportunity for new playlists which of course i have to share with all of you. (disclaimer: i'm no dj…but man o man this may be a sure fire "make you happy" playlist!)

Groove I 2013
1. Emeli Sandé - Wonder
2. Justin Timberlake - Pusher Love Girl
3. Bruno Mars - Natalie
4. Sara Bareilles - Brave
5. Gin Wigmore - Black Sheep
6. Ellie Goulding - Anything Could Happen
7. Paramore - Still Into You
8. Emeli Sandé - Next To Me
9. Quadron - Hey Love
10: Beyone - Schoolin' Life
11. Justin Timberlake - Mirrors
12. Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love
13. Icona Pop - I Love It
14. Robyn - Dancing On My Own
15. David Guetta & Sia - Titanium



well now that i have talked you into a stupor…


happy monday my loves…
here's to having a fabulous week.

That One Time I Said I Was Going To Blog And Didn't...

who hasn't been blogging? this girl. 

remember when you were a kid and you would pray and pray that time would speed up? 

umm yea. note to self. time is officially speeding by. i mean really…

it's freaking already the middle of april. 

SO NOT COOL MR. TIME! 

so here's my excuse for not blogging. 

it's a good one. 

you ready? 

I SUCK. 

yep. that's my excuse. besides working my tail off the last couple of months and traveling like a hobo for work; i have no excuse. this past week i was in St. Paul, MN. have you ever been? well let me tell you what you are missing. BLIZZARDS IN APRIL! gah! 

i found it quite funny that the local newspaper actually had the balls to advertise for flip flops. 

what a tease jcp!!!

i literally left chicago (a place where winter isn't a season…it's a state of mind) for more snow. who does that? this girl is who. so naturally i did what i know best. found the nearest place to purchase wine and hunkered down with my paper cup and ate chipotle three out of five days i was there. heaven.

oh and check this out. the clean remote. 

am i the last to know this exists? 

it's about time…on behalf of all germaphobes….we thank you!

My Family Tree

so it's officially been 53 days since my last post.

 geesh...how time flies when you are having fun. and fun is exactly what i have been having. but we will talk more about that later.

(go ahead and start preparing yourself for instagram overload)

 

 

now for a short insight into my tree...

 

so i'm sure you guys remember me mentioning from time to time that i'm an only child. well i'm also the only child of divorced parents. not that that's really that important but i feel like it's a good segue to this story. haha.

 my mom and dad split when i was a kid and they decided that it would be better for my mom to have full custody of me. (my dad always says..."a girl should be taught how to be a lady by a lady." good thinking pops...i can't imagine you teaching me how to put on mascara or the importance of matching bra and undies. but i still love you)

so naturally i grew up being much closer to my mama's side of the family which meant i wasn't as close to my dad's side of the family. anywho...now that you have the background deets i can continue. last week i was watching tv and a trailer for the new Jackie Robinson movie '42' came on and i was just speechless about how good it looked. i got to thinking about my last name... Robinson. strange i know but how often do you really think about your last name and what it means or the people who share it. my dad is really into our family tree but i have to admit...i haven't been the most interested. i think the only thing i have ever asked is "why did you and mom only have one kid? i mean come on..you come from a family of 9 kids and mom comes from one of 6 kids. you couldn't give me one dagnab sibling?"  i'm kind of a bad Robinson over here i guess.

i digress 

so immediately after seeing the trailer i texted my dad and started picking his brain. "are we related to Jackie Robinson?" "who else are we related to?" "did you ever meet Jackie?" "why don't i like baseball?" ....and so on and so forth.  

from the time i was a kid he always told me we had some "well known" people in our family but i never really took interest.

(we can blame and insert the stereotypical rebellious "daddy issues" excuse here)

my dad proceeds to tell me that we are related to Jackie Robinson and Bill "Bojangles" Robinson. now don't take this the wrong way...but is it weird that i'm more stoked about Bill? I'm a huge Shirley Temple fan and he actually starred with her in a movie. eck.

(i may or may not own every movie she ever did...nerd alert here!)

 

and that's that. i just had to share....

now go see '42' IN THEATRES NOW.

and then come home and catch up on some tap with Shirley and Bill.

 

 

 

 

(videos via youtube)

 

 

 

 

 

 

so here's to knowing who you are and where you come from

and to the man who passed on Robinson to me. xoxo dad 

 

 

 

 

 

 



A Daughter's Love

Today is February 17th!! 

for most this may just be another day... but for me…it's the day that my most favorite person in the whole wide world was born. 

My Mom. 

Dear mom, 

i just want to take a second to say how much i love you. you are the strongest most amazing woman i have ever had the privilege of knowing. i'm so lucky to have you as my mom. You've set such a wonderful example to me my whole life; been with me through every faze of learning and growing (be it awkward or not) and loved me and taught me everything i know. because of you, i know what a "real" woman looks like…acts like…and expects from herself and others. if it is in my destiny to be a mother…i will count myself lucky to even come close to the kind of mom you have been to me. 

i wish you nothing but love and happiness on this day that the world was blessed with your presence. and remember…i will always be your biggest fan. 

now go eat some cake. 

happy birthday mama!!!!

For The Love of Pie

ah…the joy of holiday cooking. 

can you smell that?  

oh you can't. well…

let me describe it for you. 

that my friends is the smell of homemade apple pie. you know…the kind of apple pie that is so good you would slap yo mama for a piece. 

(no disrespect mama. but you know how i feel about pie)

and now for a moment of thanks...

as we all know…i'm over the moon about living in chicago but the two things i miss most are my friends and family being a hop and a skip away. i'm not sure what it is about moving away but it sure makes you appreciate and love home even more. i never really understood the quote "absence makes the heart grow fonder!" but i get it now. i'm pretty sure i have the most amazing family and friends a girl could ask for. 

there isn't a day that i'm not thankful for the life i live and the people that are in it. with that being said…

i feel the need to just give a little shout out to the people and things i'm grateful for. (tangle style)

- unconditional love from the most amazing woman i know. my mom.

- friends that love me in spite of all the insane things i say and do. 

- friends that make pie just because you are in town

- cousins that love you so much they actually will sit through twilight a second time

- the julia Robert's documentary that changed my life by introducing me to some of the most amazing people i have ever met. (to my knit stop crew. i love you guys from the bottom of my heart)

- not having to go shopping on black friday because my mom is a pro and knows what i love

- my mom accepting my cheesy obsession with abcfamily holiday movies

- that moment right after everyone is done eating on thanksgiving and you look around at your family; all stuffed and happy... and realize…they may be loud, crazy and just plain hilarious…but they are family and you love them. 

i hope that everyone had an amazing thanksgiving week!!! 

and remember. there is always room for pie! 

xo,

T

The Little Hater & Mr. Scoops



well hello everyone.
long time no blog.

i blame the little hater. (explanation above)

The last couple of months have been complete chaos...but in the best way possible. i have made a promise to myself that i won't become one of those bloggers that just blogs to be blogging.
(haha. yea right.)
i mean come on...do you really want to know that i sat on my couch for 12 hours straight one Sunday watching a gilmore girls marathon?

nope.

(and for those of you who do.... picture: talenti gelato, newest knitting project, fancy fleece pjs and the storyline where Rory moves out of her g-parents house and makes up with Lorelei. shocker!
omg it was HEAVEN.)

now, when i wasn't sitting on my butt i was actually out there living.

Since i moved to chicago i have had some fun visitors. i mean that's expected right?
chicago=awesome.

So of course all of my friends and family are equally awesome and i love each and every one of them but there are a few that are pretty darn funny and probably could start their own tangled blog or two.

For example:
my mom and her bestie d.

now my mom and d have been best friends for a long time. you know…the kind of friend your mom has that you call your aunt because it makes more since and saves time when introducing.
(plus i just like saying she's my aunt to throw people off. for all they know…my g-parents could have been the first angelina jolie and brad pit. BAM. zahara and shiloh)

I digress.

anywho, so my mom and d came here for labor day weekend and asked if i would be their tourist guide around the city. i was super excited because how often do you really get to be a "tourist" in your own city? hello staycation.

And Tourist we did…

yes they have matching chicago bags. 

and now to the tangled hilarity that is my life…

the thing about d is that she is one of those people that lives life to the fullest. you know…that person you meet in life that makes you take a step back and say, "wow. i really need to stop taking things so seriously and just live." she's also that person that if you tell her something like "i'm single and looking for mr. right" she takes you serious and sets out on a mission to make that happen.
yes i'm shaking my head right now just remembering this weekend.

#1
we decided to be the ultimate tourist and take a double decker bus tour of the city. (recommended by the way. don't act like you are too cool. you actually learn a lot if you get the right guide…which we did) naturally we decided to sit on the second level of the bus. well for most...this would be prime seating to see the city. oh no…not for d. for her this was prime "looking out for tanyel a man" seating.
yep. that's right. she literally would see an attractive man and turn to me and say "look down there tanyel. a man. a hot man. down there" i'm not quite sure what she was expecting me to do at that moment? fling myself from the bus and jump him?
#2
we decided to go to the museum of Science and industry. (another must do. even if you don't have younger kiddos…you learn so much.) anyways, we are mid museum tour and decide to venture off into Yesterday's Main Street: Finnigan's Ice Cream Parlor

D decides to tell me that the parlor worker has a nice smile and seems sweet. Now i'm still not quite sure if we were looking at the same man or not but the one i was looking at clearly hates his job. 

mr. scoops is clearly wishing he were anywhere but here. With every scoop you could since his utter disdain. My mom, who may be the nicest person on the planet and the ultimate sweets lover… 

asks mr. scoops. " You must love your job. You get to be around desert all day." Mr. Scoops proceeds to says "if you say so. it's a job. i hate sweets!" 

D then says, " See tanyel. isn't he a nice young man!" WHAT?

Cue the next 4 people in line behind us starting to break out in full blown hysterics. 

quickly mr. scoops shoots everyone a look of daggers while not so secretly

 wishing he cold spit in our ice cream. 

let me just tell you. if i could have put a bucket over my head i would have reached behind the parlor glass and grabbed the emptiest ice cream tub. 

(secretly wishing it was a flavor i loved) 

doesn't this just make you want to see more of my staycation

 a la tourist guide weekend? 

well here ya go. ENJOY!

UNTIL THE NEXT….

XO, 

T

  

The Art of Packing

It's 1:59am and here I am blogging. Awesome. Just what I need...another hobby/reason to keep me up at night.

We are in full fledge insomnia mode . You wouldn't guess that I have been up for almost 24hrs moving, packing and wishing I was one of those people who owned one pair of shoes, a Mavericks tailgating chair, a wii and a very very large bottle of wine. 

(Is it wrong to buy the bigger bottle if it's on sale?)

What is it about moving that brings out the meanness, grouchiness and down right insane whining in people? Oh wait...I'm talking about myself. 

I HATE MOVING! 

I'm one of those people that just starts to question every decision I have ever made in my life that led me to this point were I'm on my 16th trip up the stairs and everything in my body is burning. " Why didn't I turn left at the fork in my life?  

Left: laziness/no goals in life.

Right: living out my dreams. ? WHYYYY!? 

The cherry on top was when my family spread like cockroaches when I pulled up driving a 17' Uhaul truck. (if you don't know me...I'm not the best driver. For some reason curbs really like my car)

Okay enough of the complaining. Let me get to the real reason for this entry at 2am. 

Moms & Packing. 

What is it about moms and their ability to know everything there is to know about packing? Since I turn into a 5 year old when I'm packing or moving my mom gave me one responsibility...Pack the towels. (Yep, that's all I'm allowed and trusted to do.) I start loading the box with towels and just as I start to think..."Look at me rocking this out...I'm ready for bigger and better boxes." I look over and my mom has some how got half the room put into one box when I'm barely getting three towels to fit in my box?. wth. I just don't understand how moms just know how to get 500 things into one box when the box is the size of a shoe. It's an ART I tell ya! 

I'm speechless and in awe

So here is a shout out to my mama and every awesome mom out there that knows how to pack a box!!!!! 

Brava. Much respect. 

Everyone's Doing It

It's official...I'm one of "those people" who has decided to blog about absolutely nothing that no one cares about. yay!!!! Against the advice of my best friend since 4th grade; I have joined the blogging ban wagon. I figure since I'm an only child I can blame the need to talk about myself on that. (Thanks mom)

Mom

So I'm sure you are wondering, "Why do you feel you should blog and that anyone would care?" That's a very good question.
I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE.

(fyi: this is mostly for friends and family...so hush! btw, clearly you are intrigued. You made it past the first paragraph.)

This whole blog obsession thing started about a year ago when I started a new hobby. KNITTING. (insert trumpet sounds here) Since I have a very obsessive personality; naturally I not only started knitting into the wee hours of the night but I also started googling knitting blogs. Low and behold there it was....hey jen renee...one of the best blogs ever. One thing led to another and next thing you know I'm clicking on link after link and end up being sent to amazing blog after amazing blog. And go figure....knitting led to foodies which led to photography which directed me right to travel!!
Hello faves.

Now here I am a year later...completely uprooting my life and moving to Chicago within a 4 day period and loving every minute.

Fast forward to a month and a half ago and I'm telling all my friends my insane stories of being single in this gorgeous city and what do I keep hearing " Tanyel you should totally blog about this. It's hilarious!" (Now by "all my friends"...that pretty much consists of 5-6 ladies in my knitting group back home who don't get to see me every Wednesday like they used to, my mom, my favorite daycare teacher that I still keep in touch with and my mom's best friend. Hello fan club.) And that is just what I'm going to do. (I mean who doesn't have a little dream of becoming the next Julie Powell?)

let the blogging begin...

**Dedicating my first blog to the most amazing women I know...

Wednesday Night Knit Stop Rookie Class. I love and miss you guys.**