THE END OF A DASH

i've been staring at a blank screen for 5 months. that's how long it's taken me to even think about, write about, or even really talk about...what i've been feeling and going through these last few months. 5 months of me just staring at the screen being terrified of pulling back these layers of sadness and grief. 5 months of trying to get a hold of my emotions, get out of bed, be present and navigate this new life of mine. 5 months of feeling so disoriented and lost. 5 months of completely giving up on my faith and questioning if it was ever real. 5 months of looking back on my life and dissecting every single moment of it. 5 months of playing that day in my head over and over again and asking why. why me? why not me? If not me...who?

september 12th, 2014 my mom passed away.

 

just sitting here staring at that sentence brings tears to my eyes. she's gone. my mom... the most important person in my entire life. the woman who gave me life. the woman who raised me to be respectful, that anger takes more energy than forgiveness, that you should never leave your house without makeup...(you never know who you might meet). the woman who told me every single day that she loved me and that she was so proud of me and the life i built. it's amazing seeing it typed out like that. just that quickly 60 beautiful years came to an end. i went from planning a cruise with my mom to planning her funeral all in one day. literally. it's unbelievable how quickly death can consume the living. how one day you are just living life and feeling so blessed by all the things you have to feeling like everything you ever believed in was a lie. how could a God you believe in take something so important away from you... knowing it would cripple you in so many ways. knowing that you might never forgive. knowing that the very person your mom helped mold and shape could be lost forever. 

i've spent months just going over and over it in my head. how that morning my mom and i were finalizing our cruise details to the hospital calling me and  telling me my mom had collapsed. how just 1 hr before our travel agent was telling me how amazing and cool she thought my mom was...after only talking to her for 15 minutes. how in just 15 mins a stranger could tell how amazing and special my mom was. how i had just hung up with her after i told her i was at work and couldn't talk and she said " girl you better go into the bathroom or something and talk to me. we have details to finalize." and just as i had so many times before...i went and talked to my mom while hiding in my work bathroom. Who would have known my last conversation with my mom would be in the bathroom. That sums up our relationship pretty well. That's who we were.

when i was younger i always wondered why people would say "loss" when someone died.  i mean when you lose something there is always a chance of it being found. but now i get it. they are talking about the loss you feel within yourself. yep...it's a loss alright. this feels more than a loss...this feels like a tragedy and a constant dagger just hanging out in my heart. death is such a surreal thing. i mean i have never planned an actual funeral. no one ever really talks about it. one minute you are finding out that your loved one has pasted away and the next you are expected to pick out what the person should wear and what kind of casket they would want. this isn't something people are prepared for. i mean there should be a class in high school that prepares you for a reality like this. another part no one prepares you for is the anger. i know people talk about the stages of grief but they don't really really talk about how long you can stay in those stages. it's like being pushed off a cliff...landing without a scratch but missing where and how you were when you were up on the cliff. if that makes any sense at all.

there is this amazing poem by Linda Ellis called THE DASH. I've loved this poem ever since i was a kid and my mom read it to me after her favorite aunt died. She would tell me...remember to make your dash worth something. Go out there and be amazing. My mom was always really motivational like that. Not really sure where she got this quality from but it has been so amazing for me in my life. my mom had an amazing dash if i don't say so myself. she had the most wonderful personality. she never knew a stranger and would let you have the clothes off her back if you needed them. i am so proud that i got to spend almost 31 years with this phenomenal woman i get to call my mama. she was and always will be my best friend. i am so happy to say i was brought into this world by someone so special.  

Mama,

I will miss your smile. I will miss your ability to just hear my voice and know if something was wrong. I will long for our hour phone conversations about absolutely nothing but filled with absolutely everything. I will miss hearing you tell me a story that I'm 100% sure only I would understand. I will miss how you could give me just one look and I would know exactly what you were thinking. I will miss the fact that no matter how hard they tried..my friends would never know exactly what you were saying. I will miss that Mississippi slang. I will miss the made up nicknames you gave me that made no sense and had no story behind them but you loved. I will miss the unspoken prayers you always sent my way. Even if I wasn't praying I always knew you were praying enough for both of us. I will so miss your hugs. The kind of hug that just makes the world fill alright. I will miss the love we shared for all things fashion. Even if you had no idea how to pronounce a single designers name. I will miss you calling me at all times of the night and sending me pictures to see what i thought about vacation outfits. Lastly...I will miss the love. The kind of love only a mother can give. The kind of love that just makes every single day something to live for...knowing that you would be there always to have my back no matter what. 

I love you mom and will miss you to the end of my days. 

-Love Tounk

 

doesn't matter how tough we are
trauma always leaves a scar
it follows us home
it changes our lives
trauma messes everybody up
but maybe that's the point
all the pain and the fear
and the crap
maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward
it's what pushes us
maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up 

-GA

FROM THE INSIDE OUT

8 months and 2 weeks.....
that's how long it's been since i have even looked at this blog. that's how long it's been for a lot of insane, tragic and amazing things to happen to me. that's how long it's been for me to talk myself into believing everything is going to be alright. that's how long it has taken me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. and lastly...that's how long it's taken me to realize that this little bloggy of mine is really the perfect therapy. 
so here i am...back with a vengeance and ready to spill my guts! (yet again!) 

hmm... where to start? 
well i guess i'll start with losing my job. 
yep that's right. i lost my job last fall. how you ask? well it's a bit of a long story but let's just say deep down i knew better than to take the job. but as you know... i live by the strict motto: leap and the net will appear. and boy did i leap. i leaped so far...that i literally passed the net, all common sense, all reason and fell into a deep dark hole. the kind of hole that even your closest friends and family can't pull you out of . the kind of hole that swallows you whole and blinds you to all reality. that hole is called DENIAL. oh denial! how i loathe you. you know when you find a job that you think is just calling on your heart and soul and it's all you can think about? this opportunity was exactly that. or so i thought. 

anyone else ever been here? 

so yea...i was unemployed for 4 months. this was completely new territory for me. you hear about people losing their jobs all the time. you just never think it's going to happen to you. i'm no different i know but man does it suck. you find out real fast how strong you are. you find out who your real friends are. you find out what true boredom and loneliness feels like.  you find out that God doesn't mess around when he's trying to teach you a lesson. (GOT IT GOD. YOU PROVED YOUR POINT) it's amazing how quickly you start to sink in and find out what you are made of. there are these moments when you are sitting alone in your apartment; you start to let your thoughts go negative. the kind of thoughts that make you think this will never get better. how did this happen to me? i'm a good person right? those questions.  it was in these moments that i now realize i had a lesson to learn. the good ole' lesson of patience.  you know what's crazy about patience...it's something you think you have and are great at. then BAM! not so great at it! not even the least bit. come to find out...i have no patience oh and i'm a blubbering baby. oh yea...the good tears. the kind of tears that make you pull out the ugly cry. 
(we all have one. don't judge) 

i heard this amazing quote the other day that just stuck with me and pretty much summed up my entire experience. "it doesn't matter how tough we are. trauma always leaves a scar. it follows us everywhere...it changes our lives. trauma messes everybody up but maybe just maybe that's the point. all the pain and the fear and the crap. maybe going through all this is what keeps us moving forward. it's what pushes us. maybe we have to get a little roughed up before we can step up. " -a.c

pretty profound huh? 
after 30 years of living i now know it's not about the lesson; it's about the navigation. it's not about the feelings; it's what you do with the feelings. it's not about the end result; it's about the war wounds you obtain getting to the end. 
Fast forward 7 months. insert the help of amazing friends, a new job i love and feeling stronger than i've ever been... i'm here feeling like i'm going to be alright. 


when you're in it you can't imagine seeing the light. 
i've think i've officially found the light. 

FRIDAY'S LETTERS

dear chicago, i love you so much but this weather is a little much. negative 22 degrees to 40 degrees. are you trying to get me sick? this relationship of ours is really starting to get strained. can you hurry up and bring back your gorgeous summer face? dear knit picks, thanks for accepting my expired gift card. i'm not quite sure what i would have done without my knitting during this chiberian insanity. dear  mom, if you could come back to chicago like asap…that would be great. i miss you. thanks. dear tangled friends, thank you so much for all the birthday wishes on instagram, twitter and this here bloggy. you are are so stinkin' sweet. dear youtube,  darn you…why am i just now coming to the vlogging party? i mean…why was i not told earlier how freaking cute some of these families are? shout out to the nive nulls, gabeandbabetv and Patricia Bright! you guys have made my insomnia way more entertaining. oh to you peeps who haven't rsvp'd to this awesome party…subscribe now! i promise..it's quite entertaining. dear anthony evans, kari jobe and francesca battistelli, your music has been my life raft these last couple of months. i'm about 100% sure you will never know how much it got me through some tough days. dear soul city, i have no words for how much i love you. i've never been prouder to be a part of such an amazing community of believers. i'm proud to call you my church home and grow with you in the light and love that is Christ.
love really does work.


here's to the weekend
xoxo

TINDER TRAPPED

online dating. 

i know i know i know. 

i'm clearly a masochist. 

why o why do i do this to myself? oh i know why…i actually listen to my friends sometimes. (clearly i need to reevaluate these peeps. ha.) wait. can i consider tinder online dating? i mean it's just a phone app. hmm. that doesn't make it sound so bad right? 

okay so i'm getting ahead of myself. for those of you who don't know…tinder is a relatively new dating site that is literally only available on smartphones. defined by wikipedia..Tinder is a matchmaking app that facilitates communication between nearby users. It is used for dating as well as other kinds of networking. and for some…that "other kinds" part of the definition is taken literally. if you know what i mean. (i won't go into detail since the mom unit is reading. hi mom.) so i was kindly/forcefully introduced to this app by a friend of mine who's daughter met her current boyfriend through it. it took about 2 months of constant " have you signed up for tinder yet? what have you got to lose?" before i would jump on this highly addictive train. oh and what do i have to lose you ask? well in the beginning i would have said…my dignity, my pride and my overall self worth. ha. clearly those things have gone to the wayside. bring on the swiping. 

how it works. 

so after you download the app you quickly realize it's a facebook trap. yep! you can't have tinder without a facebook account. now some of you may know this but for those of you who don't… i'm not a facebook fan. i had it back in college and once i entered the real world it got a little over the top for me. I DO NOT CARE TO READ TIMELINE UPDATES THAT YOU MADE CHICKEN. ATE THE CHICKEN. PHOTOBOMED THE CHICKEN. AND CLEANED UP THE CHICKEN. anywho, i digress. fast forward to my friend having to literally set up a facebook account for me and teach me how to use it again. yes you read that right. i literally set up a fb account to meet guys. (i'm fully aware of how sad and pathetic that sounds. no need to comment about it.) after a quick fb 101 and 5 uploaded photos later... i was set up and the insanity began. 

now unlike other dating sites i've tried; there is no long drawn out bio section or personality assessment. you literally swipe to the right if you fancy the persons face/body/hair/random life or drinking quotes and to the left if you don't. yep. it's that simple and that shallow. after a few swipes you start matching with people. these matches occur only if both people have swiped to the right. and this is where i have to say…tinder is quite phenomenal. 

so you know how on other dating sites there is this long drawn out back and forth of whether this person likes you or just looked at your profile and didn't say anything. which in turn makes you fully aware that said person thought you were either hideous, poor or uneducated based on your profile stats. well tinder makes it quick and dirty. if someone doesn't like you…

YOU NEVER FREAKING KNOW. HELLO SELF-ESTEEM BOOSTER. 

 if they do like you (or i guess your face) IT'S A MATCH! 

please notice the time…insomnia =tinder swiping
oh and i'll let you keep wondering which one is walter ;)

as you can see…once you have matched with someone you have the option to send a message to your new "friend" or you can "keep playing." i have to admit i've only ever reached out first when wine was involved. hello liquid courage. whoops. 

now i've officially been on tinder for 5 months and been on roughly 12-15 dates! (pause for gasp.) 

and i'm still single. 

yep. that's right. i have not found "mr. right swipe" yet. what i have found is…guys who

-think showing me their biceps in a selfie is a must

-bluntly ask me if i "do" or date white guys….(hello clearly i'm a fan of all races….we were just matched which means i swiped you right fool!)

-have pictures of themselves with a celebrity as if that celebrity is going to be hanging with us on our date or on a daily basis. just because you ran into guillana rancic at her restaurant doesn't mean you are friends.

-start conversations off with "yo girl. what up?" STOP. 

- immediately tell me "i'm new to this online dating thing." aren't we all dude? you don't have to disclaimer anything to me. i'm clearly here too. 

- flat out ask me if i'm here for dating or mating? i mean legit question but can we at least discuss the weather, sports, hometowns and what we like about chicago first?

-say "happy hump day" and then add a wink face. ABSOLUTELY NOT! 

-only have group photos as if they are trying to fool you with trickery and deceit. UMM HELLO I KNOW WHICH ONE YOU ARE. THE ONE WHO KEEPS MAKING A DUCK FACE IN EVERY SHOT. JUST OWN IT. 

last but not least...

- actually use professional head shots as their profile pic. are you kidding me with this mess. i'm not a model agency.

people people people. why o why?

what is a girl to do? will i ever learn? 

THIRTY

so it's official. i'm 30. 

i guess it's time to reflect? 

(which we all know just means me ranting for a few lines. hang in there)

now i'm sure most of you are expecting a doom and gloom post. well i'm sorry to disappoint but i may be the only woman on the planet who is over the moon excited about turning 30. twenty schmwenty! 

i recently just read a quote by olivia wilde that sums up how i feel pretty much to the word. "You're 30: You know stuff now. Your 20s were for 'ducking up,' as my auto-correct would say, and learning from those mistakes. (For instance, never again will I convince myself that sleep is for sissies and go straight from a party to the airport. You will not 'sleep on the plane'; you'll vomit in the security line. Go to bed.)"

tell em' olivia!

what is it about this number that freaks everyone out? i mean i have actually lied about my age. and i'm not talking the typical i'm 21 when i'm not lie. i'm talking about meeting someone who was older than me and actually being embarrassed that i was in my 20's. i'm not sure if anyone else feels this way but it's like the moment you tell someone you are in your 20's they start looking for someone else in the room to talk to. cause you clearly haven't "lived" enough to know anything. am i right or am i right? since i was a kid i have always felt drawn to older friends. i blame my mom. i mean when most kids were eating paste i was sitting in on tupperware parties and singles groups. while they gabbed... i read, crocheted, colored and listened in. silently promising myself i would never do those things. ha! decades later and the view hasn't changed very much. insert knitting for crochet and wine for coloring... no more sitting at the kiddie table for me…i'm 30! let me in! let me in! some of my best friends in the world are woman who could quite literally be my mom.  there's just something about talking to someone who has been through way more than you in the sense of years but can keep it real without mothering you. (you know who you are! xoxo)  

i'm not quite sure what or why it is... but turning 30 just gives me hope. the kind of hope that makes nothing feel impossible. here's my theory…(feel free to ignore. i'm ranting remember!) it's like i was handed a map and a pair of blinders when i turned 18 and was told "now have at it". naturally i tossed that map right out the window and did my own thing. on december 26th of 2013 i got that map back. but this time i threw the blinders out the window and can perfectly see my path and can't wait to navigate. (wow that was deep right?)

i feel like i'm really coming into that time in my life of knowing who i am and what i want. (it's the new year…just go with me. i'm feeling all optimistic and gooey with hope.) the last ten years have been such a roller coaster and i feel like i'm finally coming down from the bumpy ride looking back and thinking…

"man. look how far i've come!" 

as far as i'm concerned 30 can bring it! 

We got this! What up! 

and now for a little thanks…

these last two weeks of birthday celebrations have made me feel so loved by the amazing humans in my life. have you ever had that moment when you are sitting with a group of people you love…look around and you realize that no matter how good or bad things are…you are still truly blessed to have them in your life? well i have had quite a few of those moments over these last couple of weeks and feel like one lucky girl. who would have thought that i would be entering my thirties with some of the best friends i have ever had. i mean come one…isn't it a proven fact that you lose "friends" as you get older...just due to the turbulence that is everyday life? well i clearly have been blessed by the friend angels and blew that theory out of the water.  

oh and here's a bit of a photo dump…                                                        

what my definition of love looked like in 2013

 

GLADIATORS IN SUITS

yep. you are seeing correctly. i am writing an entire post dedicated to my obsession that is scandal. why you ask? well why not? i mean if you don't watch this show you won't read this and if you do…well you are nodding your head right now in agreement with me that it's so worth writing about. am i right or am i right?   

so i have to admit i came to the party that is scandal a little late. i've been on a bit of a new show boycott because these crazy tv networks get you hooked on a show and then BAM! cancelled. i.e: smash, lipstick jungle, cashmere mafia, off the map, the new normal…i could go on forever. so naturally when the previews for scandal started popping up during grey's anatomy and all things abc…i ignored them aggressively. well it wasn't long before one friend, then two friends, then three friends started telling me about this amazing new show. pish posh! I wasn't getting my tv heart broken again. i just don't think it could have handled it. 

boy o boy was i wrong. 

after about the sixth or seventh friend telling me i need to stop being such a stubborn mule i decided to buckle down and queue it up on netflix. 

let the madness begin. 

48 hours and 29 episodes later i was officially drinking and swimming around in the gladiator water and walking around saying things like, "it's handled" and "i'm listening to my gut." what is it about this show that just pulls you in and the next thing you know you are freaking rooting for a married man and his mistress to live happily ever after? or you find yourself falling head or heels in crush with a top secret killing super spy? dang you shonda rhimes. I'M RUINED! (ha. fitz said that to olivia once) And don't even get me started on the amazing wardrobe that is Olivia Pope. i mean…how is it even possible that a girl can drink so much red wine risk wearing white all the time? Oh right…it's a TV show tanyel. i mean this show is crazy good. I can't say it enough. 

every thursday i literally count down the hours till i get to spend an hour with olitz oh and did i mention the married man is the president of the united states? i mean come on. if that doesn't say watch me i don't know what does. 

13hrs and counting...

FRIDAY'S LETTERS

DEAR FRIDAY, i have never been so happy to see you in my life. this has been the longest week ever. what took you so long? DEAR LAKE WINNIPESAUKEE, thanks for giving me the opportunity to witness my first moonrise and sunrise. it was truly magical. i miss you so much. please have me back soon! DEAR MOM, i'm so excited to have you in town this weekend. sorry for almost popping your head off with my insanely tight hug. what can i say…i've miss you like "whoa!" 

DEAR FALL, hello lover! i am so happy to have you back in my life. i love looking out my window and seeing you in the trees, the awesome clothes and of course the return of pumpkin spice lattes. DEAR SCANDAL, you are killing me! you are by far the best show to ever grace tv. please never go off the air. thanks. DEAR STASH CHAI GREEN TEA, i have officially become obsessed with you. i believe my friends are starting to worry i may turn into a giant tea leaf. but i don't care…you have my heart. 

love and happiness

xo

THE WEEKEND WE FELT LIKE THE OBAMA'S, KENNEDY'S & ROMNEY'S

have you ever gone on a vacation that gives you an out of body experience? i'm not even sure if that makes sense but this recently just happened to me. a few weeks ago I had the pleasure of heading out to lake winnipesaukee in new hampshire with my friends debbie and becky. this place was magical. from the moment we got off the plane a sense of calm and ease came over me and i knew it was going to be the most amazing three days of my life. 
my friend becky is the kind of friend that likes to "invite" herself places. now most people may think this is rude but i'm a pretty huge fan of it because she always lets me tag along and i end up having an amazing time. you know those times "for the record book" good. well this weekend was no exception. one late night over bottles of wine and a bonfire…debbie mentioned that her parents have a place on lake winnipesaukee…of course becky jumped at this opportunity and next thing we knew… we were booking flights and packing our bags and heading to new hampshire. 
and let me tell you…
THIS PLACE IS SERIOUSLY AMAZING. 

we get off the plane…jump in our rental car and head to the lake.  i'm not sure if it was just me or the fact this place seemed unreal but the air was cleaner, the sky was clearer and the water was like crystal. the moment we arrived at the house we didn't even unpack our bags. we just ran straight to the water and stared. now as most of you know…i'm not a nature person at the least but man o man this place was for sure going to give me a run for my money. yep that's actually me down there standing in non-chlorine water. (mom, aren't you so proud? look at me in nature!)

after we got our quick fix of the lake we decided to unpack and get our necessities. you know…wine, cheese, pasta, more wine and such. we hit up the only store within miles and come to find out it's also the local gift shop and restaurant all in one. you know… the kind of place where they sell everything from omelets to post cards. and the prices i tell ya...these puppies were only $15 bucks a piece.          

THAT'S THE COST OF ONE GLASS OF WINE IN CHICAGO! ONE GLASS! 

if i could have shipped some of these lovelies home i would have. no joke. 

becky had made two declarations for this trip. 1. eat as much lobster as humanly possible and 2. go fishing everyday. as i'm sure you've gathered…when she puts her mind to something it happens and yes she dragged us right along with her. i never thought i would say this but…i fished everyday. me! the girl who's idea of roughing it is in a hotel without room service. but i decided to step outside of my cushy little comfort zone and do things i normally wouldn't do. so fish we did. fast forward hours later and we caught one fish. one fish the whole weekend and it was so small we had to throw him back. i of course became very attached and decided to name him roger. roger was a good fish. a loyal fish. and so not feeling becky's love kisses. (yep. she kissed a fish …and a lobster but that story comes later) and now for the photo dump...

me doing my best impression of a wind goddess. not bad huh?

and of course i had to bring my knitting.

and there you have it. there are tons more pictures but i won't bore you with those today. (but don't you worry. they are coming) stay tuned for a few girls who eat posts from this trip as well. all i have to say is…don't mess with a girl and her lobster! 

until next time

xo